Stuff Normal People Won’t Care About Dept.: I just think it’s sad if people take these BadAss Digest guys or their piece-of-wet-shit website seriously. I don’t know that I believe that anyone actually does, in my heart— I like to try to believe in people more than that…? But if anyone does…
There’s the guy who doesn’t have the fucking balls to use his own name and writes in all-caps. Which… seriously… ??? There’s real writers in the world (or people at least trying to be “real writers”), and people are wasting time on, like, sub-sub-sub-sub-professional-wrestling antics…? I guess…? I guess some people have it in their heads that they want to write their opinions down but somehow then don’t have the courage to actually own their own opinions and so they feel like they have to drape some amateur-hour schtick on top of it plus hide behind an alias…? And I guess it’s fun for readers to then watch that kind of depressing fucking human cowardice in action…? I guess…?
I wish his human cowardice had manifested in the form of one of the characters from the video game Donkey Kong though because that’d have been funnier— Donkey Kong's pretty much the funniest game there is… He could've been FilmCrit Dig-Dug. Dig-Dug was a thing, too.
And then his boss who is just this dopey schmuck and all of his breathless nonsense…? I don’t really watch anime either lately— I could give a shit, but just the mentality of it all, the grade-school dopiness. ”I got BLOWBACK for my opinions on anime— it’s just like rape or something something Muslims." There are people on this Earth who’ve climbed actual mountains that don’t sound this impressed with themselves. And just the calculated extremes of his opinions are so lame! When your opinions as a living human being come across as “clickbait-y”, I always thought that should be a “yikes” moment for people more, but people boiling themselves down to clickbait is probably sort of the whole point with twitter to begin with, so…. But just check out just the headlines they’ve run for Edge of Tomorrow (which was some movie that came and went through theaters earlier this summer, the same way dozens of movies do every single summer):
- EDGE OF TOMORROW Movie Review: You’ll Want To Live It Again And Again
- It’s Time To Start Rooting For Tom Cruise Again
- Edge Of The Bechdel Test: Why Counting Box Office Is More Important Than Counting Interactions
- I Don’t Give A Shit How Much Money EDGE OF TOMORROW Makes
- Film Crit Hulk Smash: WHY THE EDGE OF TOMORROW ENDING IS GREAT
- Live, Die, Respawn: Why EDGE OF TOMORROW Is The Best Video Game Movie
That’s all for one movie! Holy shit! (I especially like the “I Care about the Box Office Not the Bechdel Test"-to-"I don’t give a shit how much money" turn things take— that’s quite the plot twist). Edge of Tomorrow was a cute little Tom Cruise special effects movie, sure, and if you needed to avoid the heat this summer, that was certainly 2 hours you could spend in a theater with working air conditioning.
But just the tone-deaf hyper-exaggerated excitement towards anything and everything that these people generate on a constant basis… The hucksterism! At least with Hollywood hucksterism, you get to see a fucking movie at the end of it! Here, what do you even get? You just get to click a button on some nonsense designed to generate clicks from awkward people being sold some bummer philosophy about “enthusiasm as the ultimate virtue" (instead of reflection, appreciation, amusement, etc.). Keep that stove on high! Keep people thinking the Latest Thing is “the best" "again and again" "it’s time to start rootin’ tootin’"-est Thing there is— well, until the next big special effects movie comes along that they can spazz out about at least ("DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES Movie Review: The Best Film of The Summer”). But just keep them distracted from their lives so they keep clicking on your stupid links, like fucking assembly line workers working at an Idiot Factory!
This is just basically the exact opposite of why I read… anything, let alone criticism, though.
Their website and the word “masterpiece”? 10,000 results on google. Including headlines like:
- SNOWPIERCER Movie Review: An Incendiary Masterpiece
- SXSW Review: Why SHORT TERM 12 Is A Masterpiece
- Game Review: THE WOLF AMONG US, Telltale’s Latest Masterpiece
- AMERICAN GRAFFITI: George Lucas’ True Masterpiece
- Robert Folk’s Score For BEASTMASTER 2 Is An Oft-Forgotten Minor Masterpiece
- #TIFF11 Review: THE DESCENDANTS is another Alexander Payne Masterpiece
- Movie Review: TREE OF LIFE Is Mostly A Masterpiece
- Movie Review: MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE Is A Minor Masterpiece
- Could DON’T GO ON THE TRAIL Be A New Outsider Art Masterpiece?
- Movie Review: WAR HORSE Is Almost A Masterpiece
"Bong Joon-ho is just like a masterpiece machine (Memories of Murder, The Host, Mother), so it’s perfectly okay to get batshit excited about his English language debut, Snowpiercer." — Devin Faraci.
But I guess at the end of the day, it really is a valuable resource, Badass Digest. So many times, after I’ve finished watching a movie, I find myself asking “Is the movie I just watched a masterpiece or just a minor masterpiece or is it the latest masterpiece or an oft-forgotten semi-major around the way masterpiece or is it just <gasp> ALMOST a masterpiece?" LUCKILY I KNOW EXACTLY WHO TO ASK TO FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS AND SURE ENOUGH NOW I KNOW WHY OH MY GOD THANKS TO THIS MOVIE THERE’S THESE WHITE SMEARS ON MY UNDERWEAR BECAUSE BEFORE I LEGITIMATELY DID NOT KNOW WHERE THOSE CAME FROM SO SORRY, BUT NOT SORRY THIS IS IN NO WAY TIRESOME TO READ AND THIS SCHTICK WILL NEVER EVER GET OLD.